Had I written this blog earlier this week, I would have written a long, long list of complaints about the public school system and the political system that so lovingly created the high-stakes No Child Left Behind Act (and the consequences that my school is experiencing as a result of this). I probably would have also moaned and groaned about how awful I feel my school is and how unfair God is. But then I guess God did a little nudging in the form of a memory of a previous prayer...Actually, many previous prayers...
Lord, I pray you would give me clear direction about this three-year committment. Help me to know whether to stay at this school or not. Give me peace about my decision.
Often when we pray something like this, we tend to focus on the positive. We want peace about leaving. We want something better to appear with bright blinking lights so we know that that is in fact where God wants us. But what if God used the negative aspect of our prayer or the situation to move us instead? What if, instead of giving us peace about leaving, He gives us unrest about staying? I found myself in this full realization, humbled and ashamed at how much I have complained about the difficult situation when in reality, I think that the events of this week gave me the clearest direction yet. Similarly, when we think God is calling us somewhere and the door slams in our face, is it not the answer we were looking for? Sometimes I think we pray with our own agenda in mind and are often surprised when God answers us in a different way. We don't want to be in uncomfortable circumstances, but in reality, they often lead us in the direction God wants us.
On a slightly related thought, I've been thinking about how it seems a lot of my job security, what was my world, has come crashing down around me. This morning, I read Psalm 46, which says, "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea..." I've often only read this passage literally, that the Psalmist was maybe writing about war or natural disasters. Or maybe he was exaggerating difficult times, and saying IF the mountains were to fall into the seas, God would be a refuge. But this morning I was struck by how similar the idea of mountains crashing into the sea was to how I felt my life was crashing down around me. It's comforting to know that God is an "ever-present help."
What more can I say? I guess at this point, I'm wiping egg off my face and learning to not complain as much. At times, I feel I'm an impatient two-year old, stomping her feet and throwing fits when God gives me what I asked for. God, give me patience, but don't make me wait; give me direction, but don't give me discontentment; give me perseverance, but don't give me these trials; give me love, but don't give me these difficult students. I guess I need to be more concious of what I pray for, and more alert to God's use of various events in my life.
