A Real Woman: Thoughts about Beauty and A Poem ReWritten

What is a real woman? If you asked most of my preteen students, they would likely tell you that a real woman has boobs that she flaunts and wears a tight mini-skirt (with legs that kill). She wears eyeliner all of the time. But most importantly, she will do anything, including back-stabbing and physically confronting and attacking, to defend herself and her reputation. To tell these girls to "walk away" from a fight was like telling them to come to school in their underwear; it would ruin their reputation and they would be the laughing stock of the school.
A recent conversation I had with students reminded me of the preteen view of womanhood. I was holding several girls during lunch for lunch detention. During this time, Hope*, a very spunky, say-it-like-it-is 6th grade girl, started justifying why she passed a note during class.  __________ [insert name of female student] said _____________ [insert biggest insult imaginable] about Hope. She said she couldn't just let the other girl get away with the gossip, so she had to fight back by spreading rumors of her own. Of course Hope knew that passing notes and starting rumors was wrong, but in her mind, it was justified. That's when I realized I needed to take a step back. This was all about her value, how she is valued, and her reputation, not really about passing notes during English class.
Who knows if she and the other girls involved in the note-passing situation even really heard me, but in a last-ditch effort, I looked at them and said, "You need to remember how beautiful and valued you are--each of you! You need to hold your head up high and walk on by, as if to say," I demonstrated my best  head whip and finger snap, "'I'm better than that. I know my value. I know my worth, and nothing you can say will change that!' Let it roll off you, forget about it, and remember how valuable you are."
So it's with these thoughts in mind that I decided to rewrite "If" by Rudyard Kipling. A classic poem that my students read, Kipling's poem contemplates value and worth of a man and manhood and what it means to be a man of integrity in a difficult world. I'm no Rudyard Kipling, but I thought I'd share a Christian female version of this poem. This is the first draft.

The Kingdom is Yours

Female Version of Rudyard Kipling’s “If”

If you can keep your values when all around you

Are losing theirs for popularity, to fit in

If you can believe your worth and beauty

Yet not be vain, nor degrading, nor sin,

If you can wait for love, and tire not of waiting,

Or being gossiped about, not deal in lies,

Or being rejected, not take joy in rejecting,

Or being heart-broken, not languish in lovers’ sighs

If you can still dream, though dreams be shattered,

Put your faith in God, though hope seems far away,

If you can look for promises in the broken world,

And wake up with faith and joy each day,

If you can find peace in the turbulent storms,

And find joy though it be scarce to find,

And if you can accept the pain and suffering,

Yet not let grief consume your mind,

If you can meet with Death and Disaster,

And laugh in their faces a haughty laugh,

And take joy in the beauty of creation,

Without being lost on the world’s path,

And if you can hold your head high when others doubt you,

And walk past them knowing who you are inside,

And if you can listen to their critiques and criticisms

Yet always let the Lord be your guide,

If you can  stand strong when friends dessert you,

Persevere when others say they are through,

Walk by faith when sight no longer avails you,

And all around you try to stop you, too,

If you can wear the crown proudly,

Yet still be a servant, meek and mild,

Yours is the kingdom, and everything in it

And what is more, you’ll be a woman, my child!

*Hope is not the student's real name.

It's Imperfection

There's nothing we love more than someone showing us our faults. Am I right? You can probably sniff the sarcasm oozing from that first line! We all HATE when someone tells us something that we probably know. We also can be mortified to be told that something we thought we were doing well at is completely wrong.

Case in point: A few months ago, my personal trainer showed me how to do shoulder presses with free weights. Since I only see him once a week, and we often will switch up the routines, it wasn't until maybe a month later that he told me I was doing it all wrong. What? All wrong? But you showed me how to do this! He laughed and commented that it was no wonder I could lift the weights so easily--I wasn't working the right muscles! I was a little discouraged at that point. Ironically, it actually took another month or so until I learned to do shoulder presses the right way! It shows you how coordinated I am!

Why is it, though, that we hate being told we're wrong? Why is it that we have the tendency to make excuses or deny things, when in actuality, the other person is right? Of course it comes down to our pride. I'd venture to say, though, that it's also such pride that is our culture's Achilles heel when it comes to sharing the g0spel and following a "re1igi0n."

When we look at the magazines, the TV ads, the TV shows, the music videos, what do we see? Ask any teen girl, or likely many women for that matter, and many would say or imply "perfection." When girls and women strive to look attractive, they compare themselves to these women on TV. These air-brushed, plastic-surguried, make-up done, extension-wearing women are our models for beauty, and when it comes to our own idea of beauty, we're not content because we're not like THEM. Yet at the same time, we'll comment on the air-brushing, we know they have hair dressers and make-up artists at their beckon, and we know that we shouldn't hold those women up as perfection because, let's face it, it'd be impossible to have J-Lo's body. We strive for perfection, knowing in the back of our minds that it's not actually possible. There's this odd dichotomy of fake perfectionism and reality.

Let's take a more painful look at fakism, now. What does an average person think about "re1igi0us" people? Most people I've spoken with would say that they are fake. They say one thing, but do something different. They claim to be perfect, yet they condemn other people. And when you look at history and the re1igi0us people on TV, you have to admit that they don't all give a good name to re1igi0n or chris ianity. What the world sees is a bunch of bigots who yell at women who are in sensitive times of their lives (pregnant), tell people that they're going to he11, and use re1igi0n as an excuse to make themselves feel better and more h01y.

The question that I have had to ask myself is: "How am I living? Am I fulfilling the culture's expectation of what a re1igi0us person is, or am I living a life filled with grce?" At first, I thought that I shouldn't let my guard down when sharing my Story. Aren't we supposed to show people we're strong so that they will want to also have a Story? Who wants to be weak? Shouldn't I act perfect? The irony is that most people seem to appreciate real people, not fake people. It could be because we don't have to compete with the looks of a "fake" person, but really, I think it's because the world is not as it should be. There are difficulties, and no one should minimize or deny the difficulties, the pain, and the suffering. If you sugar-coat difficulties, you end up with a half-baked, fake g0spe1 that people don't want to hear. They don't want to be condemned by "perfect" chris ians, and they don't want to hear that the real difficulties are nothing. In a fake world, many look for authenticity--in actors/actresses, politicians, and yes, "re1igi0us" people.

So we need to strive to not be "prefect," or rather, to show our imperfections. The exciting thing is that G0d says that it's in our weakness that He is strong and made perfect. I love reading the prophets, because in many of them they are nervous about serving, but G0d says to not be afraid, that He will use them in their weakness. The key is being vulnerable enough to expose our imperfections.

The cool thing is that G0d gave me an opportunity to speak with someone about this. For a long time, he lumped all re1igi0ns together. Finally, the eureka moment came when I commented that he thought I was weak, and that actually, to be a chris ian, you had to admit you were not perfect and weak. I'm not sure what will happen with that, but I do know that that was the first time he had ever heard that We were not supposed to be prideful. I told him that if someone was judging and condemning him, then they did not truly understand what the Story meant. Because it's not the well who need the doctor; it's the Imperfect.

*In view of going censorship and in preparation for going overseas, I will be mispelling/abbreviating any re1igi0us terms. If you comment on the blog, please either do the same or avoid using re1igi0us terms.

Be Careful What You Pray For!

Had I written this blog earlier this week, I would have written a long, long list of complaints about the public school system and the political system that so lovingly created the high-stakes No Child Left Behind Act (and the consequences that my school is experiencing as a result of this). I probably would have also moaned and groaned about how awful I feel my school is and how unfair God is. But then I guess God did a little nudging in the form of a memory of a previous prayer...Actually, many previous prayers...

Lord, I pray you would give me clear direction about this three-year committment. Help me to know whether to stay at this school or not. Give me peace about my decision.

Often when we pray something like this, we tend to focus on the positive. We want peace about leaving. We want something better to appear with bright blinking lights so we know that that is in fact where God wants us. But what if God used the negative aspect of our prayer or the situation to move us instead? What if, instead of giving us peace about leaving, He gives us unrest about staying? I found myself in this full realization, humbled and ashamed at how much I have complained about the difficult situation when in reality, I think that the events of this week gave me the clearest direction yet. Similarly, when we think God is calling us somewhere and the door slams in our face, is it not the answer we were looking for? Sometimes I think we pray with our own agenda in mind and are often surprised when God answers us in a different way. We don't want to be in uncomfortable circumstances, but in reality, they often lead us in the direction God wants us.

On a slightly related thought, I've been thinking about how it seems a lot of my job security, what was my world, has come crashing down around me. This morning, I read Psalm 46, which says, "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea..." I've often only read this passage literally, that the Psalmist was maybe writing about war or natural disasters. Or maybe he was exaggerating difficult times, and saying IF the mountains were to fall into the seas, God would be a refuge. But this morning I was struck by how similar the idea of mountains crashing into the sea was to how I felt my life was crashing down around me. It's comforting to know that God is an "ever-present help."

What more can I say? I guess at this point, I'm wiping egg off my face and learning to not complain as much. At times, I feel I'm an impatient two-year old, stomping her feet and throwing fits when God gives me what I asked for. God, give me patience, but don't make me wait; give me direction, but don't give me discontentment; give me perseverance, but don't give me these trials; give me love, but don't give me these difficult students. I guess I need to be more concious of what I pray for, and more alert to God's use of various events in my life.